


a heart like yours (and a heart like mine)

by clexuhh (orphan_account)



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Hospital, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Slow Burn, a lot of minor characters, be warned i guess, no lesbian killing im not jason rothenberg, some death tho, sorry hahahahhaha
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-26
Updated: 2016-12-23
Packaged: 2018-07-18 10:46:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 15,982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7311907
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/clexuhh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Lexa's thrown into the constant cycle of chemotherapy, her way of dealing with it is closing people out except for her immediate family. Minimize the casualties, you know? But when her adoptive mother issues her into a children's hospital, Lexa's forced to interact with people besides the necessary ones, especially a certain blonde who finds a way into her blocked off heart. </p><p>or,</p><p>the hospital clexa ft. octaven au nobody asked for (but im giving it anyways)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. art of keeping up disappearances

Lexa almost crumpled among the fluorescent lights of the room. It smelled of chemicals; everything white and all around pristine. Indra looked over at her with a sigh, the sixteen year old adopted daughter nodding her head. Their body language said it all, a silent agreement that Lexa could do it. That she would be okay.

Although, nobody knew she would be. Mentally she was mediocre. Part of her had everything good, and part of her was practically eating itself alive. Because of one thing.

Lexa didn't want to die at sixteen, and she didn't want to leave Indra with just Anya. She didn't want to give up that chance of getting married to a girl and adopting kids and puppies and having a happily ever after. But, she had lost that a long time ago.

When she was ten, Lexa had been diagnosed with Leukemia. She was so young and fragile. That was six years ago, and doctors were running after anything they could. This was a chance.

"I love you," Lexa whispered as Indra encased her in a hug. Anya's eyes welled up and she wished that she was going through this, not her little sister. "I love you more, little bird."

Anya leaped into her arms, closing her arms around the girls neck. Her thin hair was wavy and frizzy, still beautiful, even though there was not much left of it. "Take care a'you."

Lexa smiled, the words slipping off her lips, "take care a'you. Make sure you keep things in order for when I get back. I will be back. One day."

"I know, sis. You're a fighter. Please don't stop." Anya's tears now spilled over, dripping onto her cheeks in little lines. Lexa reached up and pressed her thumbpads to them, wiping them away with a flick.

"No crying. No need to be sad. I'll be back in no time," she grinned. The girl across from her shook her head.

"All set?" the nurse asked Lexa, who nodded.

"I love you guys. Moon and back and around again," the nurse guided her out the door. She felt her legs growing weak but she kept walking, despite her muscles screaming for her to stop.

It was funny, how normal this was. She didn't really think about it that much, but now she was forced to. Her legs almost always felt like they were going to break, her arms so tired that they were numb. Her eyes barely held a spark anymore, and that's why she needed this.

Before she knew it, Lexa was tumbling over and the nurse had to catch her. She knew later there would be bruises from her fingertips, no matter how gentle they were. 

"Are you okay? Lets get you a wheelchair," she said, pulling Lexa into an upright position before rushing to a closet down the hall. She rushed back wheeling a wheelchair, which Lexa glided into. Her head was pounding, swarming, and everything was so tired.

"This is your room, Lexa," she looked around, seeing the two beds and colorful decor. The walls were white, but one side of the room had posters tacked to multiple walls. Alice in Wonderland, Wizard of Oz, along with other movie posters. The bed on that side was covered with a fuzzy white duvet and blue pillows. "You brought things right?"

"Yeah, they said a nurse was going to bring them up later," her head was still fuzzy.

"Okay, lets go meet the other kids," she smiled. "You'll fit right it."


	2. we were doomed from the start (the king is dead)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa gets stuck. Jasper nearly wins Uno. Clarke is a bookworm. (maybe? who knows? Lexa doesn't)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title is a fall out boy song. do recommend.

The leukemia was taking a toll on Lexa's body, more than it ever had. Bruises started to pop up everywhere, her bones felt weak, and she was constantly tired. She hoped they didn't make her walk a lot in this hospital, because she knew she wouldn't be able to do it. 

 _Was this the beginning of the end?_   she thought. _Am I going to die?_

Dying was a constant thought in her head. Not that she wanted to, but because it was a possibility. A year ago, the doctors only gave her 5 months. Two years ago, they have her 10 months. 

Was she strong, or just cheating death?

The nurse wheeled her along the hallway until they came across a set of doors, which she opened with a press of a button on the wall. Inside, the walls were light green, a good change from white, but barely better. The color was so light you could barely even tell the tint. 

A group of about twenty-five kids looked towards the pale girl. Lexa itched to be out of the spotlight, out of the wheelchair, out of the hospital. 

"Everyone, this is our new patient, Lexa. Treat her with kindness, please," the nurse said. 

"What she got?" was shouted from a boy with slicked back hair sitting in the back. The girl next to him swatted him with the back of her hand, making him yelp. 

The nurse looked at Lexa, silently telling her _not_  to answer. "Acute lymphoblastic leukemia," she recited, making the nurse huff. 

"You can leave her with us, Maya," a boy says. His hair is swooped over his forehead in a way that reminds Lexa of 2010 Justin Bieber, with tan skin and big brown eyes. 

Maya rolled her over to the table the teenagers were gathered around, and they had already made a spot for the girls wheelchair. "If anything happens to her, you guys are in trouble," then she looked over to Lexa. "I'll pick you up in about 30 minutes to bring you back to your room. Hopefully they've searched your things by then."

"Maya's always a little bit overprotective of the new kids," 2010 Justin Bieber says, "I'm Monty. That's Jasper, Wells, Octavia, Raven. Oh! And Clarke. She's always reading, so sometimes I forget about her."

"I'm studying! Unlike _some people_ , I'm not smart enough to graduate when I'm fifteen," the blonde defends, not once looking up from her textbook. The hoodie she was wearing was oversized, at least is was on her, and like most people in the room she wore sweatpants. 

Lexa was itching to grab her phone out of the pocket of her joggers. She didn't want to talk to these people, she wanted to go home, and watch America's Next Top Model with Anya all day. 

"Do you wanna join?" Raven asked. She had a blanket over her lap, and she too was in a wheelchair. 

"Sure," Lexa smiled, and Octavia handed her seven cards. Clarke stayed reading inbetween Jasper and Octavia, textbook on the table, her hand cupping her face. She still hadn't looked up at Lexa, and it bothered the girl a bit. 

"Uno!" Jasper said, a bit louder than he needed to. People from the other tables looked over to him, and he waved sheepishly. 

"Ha, eat my plus four," Monty retorted. 

"Hey, genius, that plus four goes to Wells."

"Oh."

A bell sounded, and Lexa almost flipped over. All of the teens flooded out of the room, except for Clarke, and Lexa, who were waiting for the crowd to disperse. The younger girl grunted as she tried to roll her wheelchair backwards, cursing as she realized Maya had put it in lock. And she couldn't reach it. 

"Well, _fuck_ ," she groaned, catching Clarke's attention. The blonde jumped up just as she was about to tip over, catching the wheelchair before it hit the ground. She grabbed her book, handing it to the girl sitting. 

"Hold it," she said, after Lexa had given her a quizzical look.  She took the book in her hands, and that was when Clarke noticed she was extremely pale. Like, _deathly pale_. 

She had learned enough in her lifetime, her time staying at the hospital specifically, to not ask questions about people's illnesses. Lexa wasn't an exception to that personal rule. 

Clarke's foot tapped on the lock, pushing it upright as she started to roll Lexa out of the room. "Where's your room?"

"I, uh, don't know?" she said, her head in her hands. "Maya was supposed to take me to it but she never came back."

"What did the inside look like?"

"Lot's of movie posters, white du-"

"Octavia. That's Octavia's room. Let's go," she said, wheeling the girl away. 

Clarke tried to act like her head wasn't pounding, and that she couldn't feel it progressively getting worse. She wasn't going to leave a girl who didn't know where her room is in the middle of the hospital to find it herself. Her tumor flare up could wait. 

"Clarke? Who's this?" she heard from behind them. Mentally groaning, she turned the wheelchair in the other direction, facing the scrubs-clad woman. 

"Mom, this is Lexa. Lexa, this is my mother, Abby. She's a surgeon here."

Abby walked over to Lexa, leaning down and offering a hand. She weakly shook it, her hands still not feeling a hundred percent. "Ah, yes. Lexa Woods! The new _ALL_  case. Like we don't have enou-"

"Hey, mom, do you know where Maya is? She was supposed to bring Lexa back to her room and run her through procedure but she never showed up," Clarke bit her lip, afraid if her mother would get mad at Maya.

"Take her back to her room, I'll send her there after I find her. Have a good day, sweetheart," she said, giving Clarke a small hug before giving Lexa a wave, and off she went. 

The two spent ten more minutes gliding around the hallways, Clarke's headache getting worse, Lexa's bruises from that morning growing bigger. They didn't speak at all, as they were both too lost in their own minds to concentrate on conversation. All that could be heard now was the scratching of Clarke's sweatpants rubbing together as she walked, and the subtle squeaks of the wheels on tile floor. 

The door came into sight, the white board plaque hanging on the wall next to it reading _OCTAVIA_  with little swirls around it. Lexa smiled at the childlike aspect to the writing. 

Clarke's knuckles popped against the door, once, twice, then three times until she opened the door. "What?" she said to the blonde, not acknowledging Lexa sitting down a foot under her. 

"You have a roommate," Octavia looked down to the girl in the wheelchair, her mouth taking an _o_  shape as she opened the door wider. 

"I'm gonna go back to my room but, it was nice meeting you, Lexa," Clarke said, offering a smile. And with that, she was gone.

* * *

"Sorry I took so long!" Maya said, suddenly jumping in the door. It scared Lexa a bit, only because she wasn't expecting it. "I was trying to find your things but they were taking forever to search them and when I got them I went back to the Rec room and you weren't there so I was searching for you. And then Doctor Griffin told me to come here immediately and I _forgot where the room was_." 

"Maya, it's fine," Octavia answered. Lexa gave them both a smile. The two girls made a seat on the floor and were watching a movie on Octavia's laptop. 

Maya put Lexa's bags at the foot of her bed, and Lexa struggled to stand up. She did it eventually, and that's when Maya hit her with the facts. 

"So, procedure calls for your vitals to be checked at 7 every morning, dont worry you can go back to bed after. We don't have a strict policy on electronics, but if they start to make it so you don't get enough sleep, we might have to take them away at night," she explains. Then, she walks over to the wall never to her bed and lifts up the curtain. "This, is the panic button. Please, I beg of you, only press it in emergencies. There's one in the bathroom too if you end up falling or something. Other than that, Octavia will explain the rest. Right?"

Octavia nodded, shooing Maya out of the dorm-like room. "Just follow me during the day. I mean, you already joined our card game, so it's not like my friends hate you. It's really simple."

"Can I use the wheelchair around? My legs are really weak now," Lexa admits, looking down to the ground. 

"Yeah, a bunch of people use wheelchairs. Not a big deal. Honestly, I think you'll like it here. It gave me a second family."

Lexa wanted to scream. She wanted to cry. She didn't want a second family, she wanted Indra sitting on the couch with her and Anya, them all watching Julia Roberts movies until Anya passed out, then switching over to reruns of That's So Raven. She wanted Indra's enchiladas when she knew she was having a bad day. She wanted the  _take care a'you_ 's from Anya every night as they split into their separate rooms. She didn't want a second family, she just wanted her own. 

But this was the beginning of the end wasn't it? She was just cheating death, wasn't she? She was already too far gone, and there was no hope, right?

Those were questions she wasn't going to get an answer to. 

At least not now.

 

 

 

 


	3. it's hard to say "i do" when i don't

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Terminal.

Lexa was confused. Why did Indra send her here if she was going to die anyways? She was _terminal_  and she had been for years. Lexa lost hope, but apparently Indra didn't. She didn't stand a chance against the disease she had been fighting. 

But according to Indra, New Eden was one of the top children's hospitals in America. So, using the grants Lexa got from her deceased parents, they got her in. Why waste money on something that wasn't going to work?

Her head was pulsing, like it always was, and she was sweating buckets. Everyone always described it as battling cancer, but she didn't feel like she was even fighting back. All she was doing was hoping her body could keep up with the illness. 

The doctors wanted to start her on another 2 year cycle of chemo. In the six years since she was diagnosed, Lexa had already gone through two 2 year cycles, and it's hell each time. But, if it meant she would be better, she didn't care. The remission always came during induction, but it always went away. She had never been well for that long, 6 months at most. It always came back.

Folding clothes was tough, so Octavia started to help her. Lexa's nimble fingers were weak, the two cycles of chemo had left that effect. They were almost done now, leaving only pajamas and underwear. Lexa grabbed the underwear box, not wanting Octavia to see the arrangement she had of them. It was very childish, things like little octopi and squids dancing among coral, and little ufos with aliens and planets. 

"Jeez, really don't want me seeing your underwear, huh? What do you wear, tighty-whitey's?" Octavia joked, and Lexa let out a laugh with her eyes closed. 

"Yes, of course!" She said back, and Octavia started to put the pajamas into the drawer. She laughed at the patterns, just as immature as the girl's underwear. 

"You are a strange person, Lex," she chuckled, and Lexa quirked an eyebrow. 

"Already giving me nicknames?"

"Of course, Lexa's just _too long!_ "

She smiled, but her mind went back to how Anya calls her that too. Going back to folding her underwear, she tried to push the thought of her sister out of her head. It would cause her too much pain, and make her feel worse than she already was feeling. 

"We have to go to dinner soon," Octavia said. Lexa nodded, even though she was hungry, she didn't want to eat.

"When?" Lexa asked. 

"15 minutes," Octavia answered, standing up. She wobbled for a second before steadying herself on Lexa's nightstand. "So... Leukemia, huh? Wells has it too."

She nodded, not wanting to think about the effects of her disease. It killed kids all the time, she was lucky that it hadn't took her a long time ago. She hoped he had a case like her, where he would live past whatever amount of time they would give him. But, she knew not everyone was that lucky. All of the kids in the hospital were dying, just at their own rates. 

Lexa climbed into her wheelchair, and Octavia spoke up again, "I'm on the waiting list for a lung transplant." She looked up, with widening eyes. She knew the girl had an oxygen tank, but she figured it wasn't that serious. "What? You were curious, and I was going to have to tell you eventually."

"Oh! We have to go now. Do you want me to push you?" Octavia asked. Lexa shook her head, pointing to the girls oxygen tank. 

"You have to wheel _that_  around. I can push myself. Just show me where we eat." 

As crazy as it sounds, Lexa had already grew comfortable around the girl. It was weird, because the hospital wasn't as bad as she thought it would be, but she still grew homesick. 

Soon, the two girls came up to where she figured they served dinner. It was very school cafeteria, but Lexa hoped that's where the school similarities ended. There was a reason why she brought her lunch before all of this. 

"Gluten free? Vegan? Lactose intolerant? Allergies?" A woman asked her from behind the array of food. Lexa shook her head with a _no ma'am_ , and she was handed a plate of mashed potatoes to be put on the tray they handed her moments before. 

As she went down the line, she was handed more plates to put on her tray. It was hard to do, wheeling the chair and trying not to hit the girl in front of her. When she was done, she grabbed a water bottle and waited for Octavia. 

Her friends were waiting for her at a table all the way in the back of the cafe, and Lexa groaned internally. Her arms were already hurting from wheeling all the way here, and then down the line, and now down the ramp, which was a challenge in itself. 

"Hey, Lexa, right?" Raven said. Lexa nodded, smiling up to the girl. They slid their chairs to make room for the girls wheelchair, just as they did for Raven. She still had the fleece blanket over her lap, which made Lexa wonder, but she didn't want to ask. 

She looked down at the tray on the table in front of her, scanning the food they gave her. Mashed potatoes, chicken, broccoli and an orange. There was also a little biscuit that sat off to the side, but it looked hard as a rock. She began to eat the chicken, knowing she hadn't eaten anything else today. 

"Sorry I'm late, I didn't realize it was dinner time yet," a girl's voice said from behind her. The empty chair next to Lexa was pulled out, and a tray slapped onto the table beside hers. "Who's this?"

"This is Lexa. You met her, like, two hours ago," Jasper told her. Lexa looked over to the blonde, recognizing her as Clarke, the girl reading during their Uno game earlier. 

"Oh, yeah! Of course! Sorry, I'm having some trouble in school lately," she said, turning and holding out her hand to the girl. Lexa took it into her own, shaking it weakly before going back to eating her food. 

"It's fine, I get it. I was never that good in school," she said, offering a soft smile. 

Clarke stole glances at the girl as she ate, acting like she was looking at Raven when she was really looking at Lexa, who had her chin rested on her hand as she listened to Raven and Monty's conversation about some kind of science thing. She wrenched her mind to try and remember what illness she mentioned she had earlier that day, but she was drawing blanks due to her being so developed into her biology textbook. 

"I'm just saying, if the government wanted to, they could!" Monty said, raising his hands as he sat back into his chair. 

"Monty, please shut up. You sound like one of those conspiracy theorists on the internet who think the moon is a projection from the aliens," Raven replied, making Octavia burst out laughing. Lexa could see the tight bond between the group of teenagers, and it made her think that being here could be nice. Not only for her physical, but her mental too. Lexa spent so much time on her own in her room back at home, but here she was surrounded by people who got her. Who didn't pity her for her illness. 

And then, somehow, they got into the conversation of the Wish. Every cancer kid got it, if you were terminal at one point. It was out of pure pity, obviously. "I, personally, used my wish to get a shit ton of video games. PS4, 20 games, they really hooked me up," Wells said, smiling as he took a drink from his water. 

"What did you use yours on?" Jasper asked Lexa. She felt her face flush over and she knitted her eyebrows together as she fiddled with her fingers. 

"I, uh, I haven't used it yet?" she said, but it came out as more of a question. "I never found something good to use it on, I guess."

"I haven't either," Raven said. "I felt bad for taking their money. I'm recovering anyways, so it's not like I don't have a chance. I didn't feel right using it because wishes are for kids who are like, terminal. Maybe one day, though."

Octavia coughed from beside her, smacking Raven in the arm under the table, warning her to watch her words. Lexa didn't realize the words would take such a toll on her. She _was_ terminal, and she knew it . But, it felt weird with someone else saying it.  

Soon, dinner was over, and Lexa was heading back to her and Octavia's room. "Where are you going?" Octavia asked. "We have to go to support group. It's required."

Lexa groaned. Her whole body was tired, like it always was. She just wanted to sleep the night away. Octavia grabbed the handles and started pushing her, despite Lexa's protests. It was hard wheeling two things at once, but she handled. Soon, they were in the rec room, a group of about 20 kids in a circle on the floor. 

Soon, Maya walked in, and she gave a wave to the group of teenagers scattered among the carpet. "So, does anybody want to share a highlight of their day? Positives and negatives? Yes, Atom."

"I finished House Of Cards today," he said, making the group chuckle a little bit. Lexa sat in her wheelchair as different people shared what happened to them today, whether it be bad, good, or indifferent. 

"So, Lexa, what about you?" Maya said, turning to the girl. Her short hair bounced as she turned her head, and she gave Lexa a caring glance. 

Lexa wracked her brain for something to say. "Well, I came here today," she ended up telling her. She wanted to facepalm, but the people around her let out soft giggles. 

"And, is that a positive, or a negative?"

"Well, I hope it's a positive."

Only time will tell.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope these get longer as i go i apologize but i do like writing this so!! !! !!!!! !


	4. headfirst slide into cooperstown on a bad bet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some drama, some laughs, and a few surprises.

Lexa was nervous when she went back into her room. Her head was growing itchy, and she knew she would have to take it off in order to get a good night's rest. But, at the same time, she didn't know what Octavia would think. Nevertheless, she pulled out her little stand out of it's bag, and set it on the nightstand. 

Octavia watched every action that she was taking, curious to what it was for. Lexa's fingers pushed on her scalp, and the wig came off, the girl on the bed across from her giving her a warm smile and she set the brown bundle of hair onto the wig stand. 

"You know, I couldn't even tell," Octavia said. Lexa looked over to her with a smile, sliding the wig cap off and running her hand through the short layer of brown hair that was growing underneath. Sad to say she was going to have to shave it all over again, despite trying to grow it back. That's just the way her life was now. 

"It's usually a shock to most people. I like it though, I'm used to it," she said. Octavia nodded, walking over to the light switch and flipping it off. The only light in the room came from the moon peeking in through the shutters, and Lexa was quick to grab her earbuds. 

The first song that came on when she pressed shuffle was _Ultralight Beam_ by Kanye West. She smiled to herself, knowing that she loved falling asleep to this song. The soft melody came on as she covered herself with her duvet, head pressed up against her pillow. Soon, her breathing slowed down and her the whole room was silent, except for the girls' breaths and the hum of Octavia's oxygen machine next to her bed. 

Down the hall, Raven and Clarke were getting ready to sleep also. Raven hopped around the room, not bothering to duck into the bathroom to strip down and change into shorts and a tank top. It was weird, not having her leg. It had been just under two months since she had it amputated, losing it eventually to osteosarcoma after an intense 1 and a half year battle to the cancer. 

It started when her knee started to swell up like a balloon, and she wasn't sure why, it just... did. After it didn't go down, the leader of the group home she was in at the time took her to the emergency room, and after multiple tests they found a mass at the end of her femur, just connecting to her knee joint. The tumor ended up being cancerous, and that's how the story goes. 

After her dad found out about this, he dished out buckets of money to put his daughter into the best hospital he could find. He didn't give a damn about her, in reality, but he knew if people found out he wasn't helping his child that was diagnosed with cancer, it would damage his reputation in the business world. 

As for Clarke? That's another story, for another time.

Raven didn't know about it until they cut it off, the phantom limb. Some nights it felt like her leg was still there, and that she could still feel the excruciating pain it put her through. Tonight was one of those nights, and paired with period cramps, she would rather be dead, to put it nicely. 

"Do you want me to go get you some oxy, or something" Clarke asked, sitting upright in her bed. Raven was found on the end of her bed, clutching the stump she had right where her knee would be. 

"No, I'm fine," she said through clenched teeth. Clarke raised her eyebrows, standing up and walking over to the door. "Clarke, if you don't sit your ass down, I'm going to hop over there and beat your ass." 

"Oooh, I'm _soooo_  scared," she said, short blonde hair bouncing as she walked. She flung the door open and closed it just as Raven was starting to stand up, walking as fast as she could down the hall towards the nurse's station. 

"Hey, Sinclair. Can I get something for Raven? Her leg's acting up, and some cramps," she said, causing the man to look up from the computer with tired eyes. It was about 11 at night, and she felt bad for him, having to work double shifts. 

"Midol or Excedrin?" he asked, grabbing two pill bottles from underneath the counter. "Anything else I need to run by someone else."

"Excedrin," she grumbled, taking two pills while he handed her a mini bottle of water. She jogged back to her room, wanting to get to sleep more than ever. 

"Here," Clarke shoved the pills into Raven's hands, along with the bottle of water, going over to her bed and flopping onto it. "Turn the lights off."

"Fine."

 

Lexa slept like a baby, only waking up when she felt a squeezing on her arm. "Wha..?" she said, eyes only halfway opened as Maya leaned over her with a stethoscope two inches from her chest. 

"Go back to sleep, just vitals. Breakfast isn't for another two hours," she said. Lexa grumbled, closing her eyes as she tried to ignore the cold feeling of metal being pressed to her bare skin, and beeping of the monitor as it took her blood pressure. She only fell back into her slumber after the nurse left, finally being able to curl up again into her big blanket. 

However, this didn't feel like it lasted long. Soon, Octavia was shaking her awake, making the girl groan into her pillow. Eventually, she sat up and sighed, popping her bones and shaking out her hands. They had come more numb than before from sleeping with them stuffed underneath her pillow, a habit that was probably not the best for her bones. 

"Breakfast time! Up, up up!" Octavia cheered. "It's Sunday, which means bacon and pancakes. Get up quick, or we'll be left with the shitty, burnt pieces that the cooks throw out when they're tired of cooking them. 

"Do I need to get dressed?" she asked, looking down to the fuzzy yellow pajama bottoms she had on, along with her black crewneck. She was already conscious about going down without a wig, before remembering that this was a hospital made for kids like her, who wouldn't care if she didn't have hair. If anything, they would understand. 

"No. Honestly, most kids go down there barefoot," Lexa crinkled her nose, thinking about walking down the cold corridors with nothing on her feet. She slipped on socks, before settling into her wheelchair as Octavia opened the door for her. 

The girl had her oxygen tank by her side, wheeling down the tiled floors with ease. A tube snaked up behind her, splitting into two around her neck and connecting in the front around her nose. Two tinier tubes went up her nostrils, which she had grown used to. 

They made it down to the serving station in record time, as only a few people were lined up. They were handed plates to put on their tray, and she eventually wheeled behind Octavia down the tricky ramp that became her mortal enemy. She all of the sudden started racing down the platform, about to barrel into her roommate, before she was stopped by someone behind her. 

"Hey, slow down, Speed Racer," Clarke joked, helping her down the rest of the ramp. She wasn't really phased by Lexa's hair, or lack thereof, but it sure came as a surprise to Jasper and Monty when she rolled up to the table. 

"That was a wig?" Jasper asked, voice louder than she would like for so early in the morning. Lexa nodded, biting into a strip of bacon. "Oh my god, I would've never known."

"I know, it looked so natural!"

"You guys act as if you've never seen a bald kid before," Raven joked, sitting down next to Octavia. "Well, an almost bald kid, anyways."

"It's not fair! She looks good bald, and she's a _girl_! I look like a mole rat bald. You saw me before it grew back," Jasper pointed out. Lexa chuckled at their banter, the never ending back and forth between the two. 

Soon, the cafe was full of kids, Wells finally sitting down with an unpleasant look on his face. "What's wrong?" Clarke questioned. 

"I got burnt bacon and pancakes. They didn't even ring the bell today!" he exclaimed. Clarke respnded with a laugh, pulling her plate away when he tried to steal one of her perfectly cooked pancakes. 

"You don't talk a lot, do you?" Clarke questioned Lexa. She shrugged, hurrying to chew the food in her mouth so her could respond. 

"I observe," she replied. "Don't have that many things to say, I guess."

Just as the blonde was about to respond, a kid, no older than 12 rushed over. He backed up against the table, holding his hands in front of him, like he was trying to protect himself. "Tristan, stop!" he shouted, just as a teenage boy reached out to grab him by the shirt. 

"Why did you tell Maya that I was smuggling shit in?" the older boy yelled back. The younger one was almost to the point of tears now, his eyes screaming fear as his body trembled in the hands of another. 

"Dude, he's a kid, stop," Wells said, wedging his body inbetween the child and the supposed Tristan. His stance screamed authority as he blocked the teen from the kid, who was practically balled up.

"He got me in trouble!" he shouted, making Wells grimace. Luckily, one of the kids around them had gotten a guard who grabbed the older boy and started to escort him away from the younger one. 

"Whats your name?" Lexa asked, her voice soft as a feather. The child looked up, and she wheeled herself away for a moment to painstakingly drag over a chair from another table. 

"Aden," he answered. His skin was pale, like Lexa's was, blonde hair scattered messily around his forehead. The table watched carefully as Lexa conversed with him, not wanting to make it awkward for them, but also not wanting to make them feel drowned out. 

"Well, Aden. It seems like you need a friend," she said. He finally sat down, giving her a weak smile. 

"Something like that." His voice was so light, it was like he was whispering. It felt as if he was walking on eggshells around the new group of people he was surrounded in. Most of the time he was in the background, observing, sort of like Lexa. 

"Well, it's a good thing, because I'm new here. I need all the friends I can get."

"You're older than me," he said. Lexa cocked her head to the side. 

"Yes, so?"

"Older kids aren't friends with the younger kids. It's how this hospital works," he replied, matter-of-factly. 

"I think it's time for this place to have a little rebellion," she grinned. This made the whole table smile, it was heart warming to see the two talking to each other. 

Suddenly, the bell rang again, signalling the end of breakfast. The small child scampered away, most likely to the next thing he had to go to. "What's next?" Lexa asked Octavia. 

"Free time," she responded. Lexa nodded, wheeling back to their room to get dressed. Octavia's phone beeped, and she pulled it out, read something and looked up at Lexa. 

"Do you wanna hang out with Clarke and Raven? They're going to watch a movie, apparently," she asked, to which Lexa nodded. 

"Sounds good." By now, they were back to their room, and Lexa accidentally slammed her finger into the door frame. She cursed herself mentally, climing out from the metal contraption to grab some clothes. Her outfit was simple; leggings and a teal long-sleeve shirt she got for Christmas from PINK. She slipped on her wig cap, and put on her wig with ease. After all, she had been wearing it for a while now. 

Throwing on her moccasin slippers, she settled back into the dreaded hell on wheels and allowed Octavia into the bathroom, pulling out her phone to see if she had any notifications. 

_anya: we'll be there for a check up at 4, see you soon bug :)_

She laughed, typing out a quick reply before checking the time. 11:04, her phone clock read. Looking out the window, the sky proved to be gloomy, the grey tone settling deep into her bones as she took it in. "You ready? Octavia asked, opening the door and holding it open. 

Soon, they were in a small room down the hall, settled on the floor on top of many blankets and pillows. Raven, Octavia, Lexa, and Clarke, in that order, had an array of DVD's spread out on the floor in front of them. 

"I want to watch Big Hero 6," Lexa said. Octavia and Clarke agreed, while Raven was battling it out for Frozen. 

"Fine," she groaned, and Clarke stood up to put the DVD in and turn the lights off. Octavia's tank was tucked behind her, and they all settled down to watch the movie. 

Sounds of laughter filled in the room, and they were all so invested in the film it was kind of concerning. Clarke was sure Raven was going to cry when Hiro's brother died, not only because it was sad, but because she was also very emotional right now. 

But instead of focusing on Raven's emotions, Clarke finds herself focusing on the girl beside her, green eyes so attached to the screen that she barely was blinking. Her jaw was drawn tight, hands shaky and lip quivering. 

Clarke forced herself to tear her eyes away from the girl before anything else happened. She told herself not to get attached to anyone in here. 

Clarke wasn't the one to listen. 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have the next two chapters to this written and im trying to hold myself back from updating this three days in a row but maybe ill get a little bit crazy who knows?


	5. jet pack blues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Complications and a little therapy.

Days passed by like a breeze after that. Two days turned into four, and four days turned into a week and a half. Anya and Indra visited Lexa frequently, Aden sat at their table between Lexa and Clarke during every meal, and the four girls had frequent movie nights. 

But today Lexa was dreading. The day chemo started, and it was like she was walking through hell again. She was watching Doctor Who with Octavia, Clarke and Raven when Maya came in, shaking a bottle of yellow pills. She crinkled her nose at them, Octavia pausing the show quickly as the nurse stepped over Raven's body, asleep on the floor. 

"Do you need water?" Clarke offered, but the girl shook her head. Her hair was growing back,now a short mop. Lexa opened her palm to Maya, who gave her one of the pills. She immediately popped it into her mouth, swallowing it dry. She tried to not gag at the taste; rotten eggs, puke, and the aftertaste of every horrible food mixed together into one. 

Maya handed her a small water bottle, and Lexa gulped it down, ignoring the taste. The pills always did this, something about the combination of medicines and things made it make everything taste horrible. "Are you alright?" the young nurse asked, placing a hand on her shoulder. 

"I want to shave my head," was her reply. It wasn't something Maya was expecting, but she knew it was coming eventually. 

"That can be arranged. I will tell you when we can," she slid her hand off the girl's shoulder and walked away, stepping over the sleeping girl's body again. "It's almost lunch, you should wake her up soon."

"Will do, Maya. Have a nice day!" Octavia cheered, looking over to Raven once the door was closed. She jabbed her foot into her shoulder, "wake your ass up!"

This was enough to make the girl groan, her body rolling over to meet the cold tile. She didn't want to wake up, seeing as her and Clarke spent the night before watching Scream together on their TV. Now, she regretted the mantra of _just one more episode_  that turned into _wow, we just finished a whole season_. She heard Clarke laughing at the girl's suffering, making her send a middle finger in her direction. However, this just made the blonde laugh harder. 

"C'mon, Ravey-Reysey, time to shine!" she cooed, shaking her body. 

"Clarke Griffin if you don't get your fu-"

"Woah woah missy! That is not good language!"

"Fuck you," she groaned, pushing her body off the cold floor. Raven couldn't imagine how she could've came close to falling asleep on the surface, but somehow she managed to. 

However, Lexa wasn't paying attention to the humorous conversation on her floor, but more how she could practically _feel_  fatigue running through her bones. The first day was always the worst when it came to the pills, and she doubted she was going to be able to down any of her food for the next week. "Lexa!"

"Wha.." she mumbled, looking up to find Octavia by the door, holding it open. 

"Time for lunch!" she grinned, and Lexa managed to slide her tired body into the wheelchair, which Octavia took in her liberty to _glam up_ , as she said. There were now puppy stickers covering the back, and a little cushion for her butt. She slid on her wig as she rolled out, the action being muscle memory for how long she's been doing it. 

Octavia was wheezing by the time they made it towards the line, Lexa looking over at her with concern. "Are you alright?" she asked. 

"Fine," Octavia breathed. "Let's just go."

The girls got their food, and walked over to their usual table on the other side of the cafeteria. Octavia's breathing was still heavy, to the point where her face was ghost white. "Octavia, what's wrong?" Raven asked as the girl sat down. Her oxygen tank tipped over and clattered to the floor, yanking the tubes out of her nose. She clambered to reach for the machine, her face contorting into one of discomfort. 

"Nothing, I'm fine!" she rasped, her fingers tucking the tubes back behind her ears and the two nubs into her nose. Pale white hands reached up to rub her face, wiping away the beads of cold sweat. A cough itched at her throat, but she choked it down with a gulp of water. It felt like she couldn't breathe, like she was breathing through a coffee stirrer. 

"Get a nurse!" Raven shouted, making Monty jump up and race over to the nearest guard. Aden looked over to Lexa with fear in his eyes, and the whole table watched on as Octavia broke out into a coughing fit, tears coming out from her waterline as her hands held onto her chest. It was a terrifying sight, but something none of them could do anything about. 

Tables looked on as the girl was carried out by a security guard, the tall man racing to the nearest panic button and slamming his fist down on top of it. Raven urged to go after her, her whole body screaming for her to go. But she couldn't, she knew that she couldn't. Her mind traveled to how Octavia must feel, and she begged to everything she could that she would be okay. Octavia didn't deserve the disease she was forced to live with, none of these people did. She wouldn't put any of this on her worst enemy. 

With Raven's cancer, it was gone once they cut her leg off. But with Octavia's LAM disease, even a lung transplant wasn't guaranteed to help. The oxygen was supposed to help her, they said, but was it really helping her when she was getting carried away while choking on her own breath?

Lunch ended soon, nobody daring to talk a word. Lexa didn't manage to eat any of her food, but it was okay. She would deal. Aden was frozen still, eyes locked to the table. He hadn't moved in nearly five minutes, and Lexa had to shake him in order for his eyes to break away. 

"Would do you like to play a game of cards with me in the rec room?" she asked, her voice soft. He nodded, pushing her wheelchair along the hallways even though she told him he didn't have to. Soon, they came across the room, and they settled down at an empty table across from each other. 

"She's going to be fine," Lexa reassured, even though she needed to be reassuring herself. Aden nodded, taking his cards into his small hands. When Lexa looked closer, the skin around his fingernails was ripped off, his knuckles coated in light pink bruises. She furrowed her eyebrows, but decided on asking him at a time that wasn't right now. 

"Do you have an eight?" he asked, ignoring her statement. She muttered a _go fish_ , studying the boy's light blonde hair, flat against his forehead once again. 

Lexa was sure she almost peed herself when she felt a hand on her shoulder, whipping her head around to be met by a certain blonde. She smiled at the girl, eyes crinkling. "Mind if i join?"

"Not at all," seven cards were handed to her, and the three invested in an intense game of go fish, which eventually, Aden won. He smiled at the girls, a dimple popping out from his cheek. 

"I win!" he cheered, his pairs counting up to 13, much higher than both Lexa and Clarke's. "Wanna play another?"

So they did. And then again. Again. Again. Until Clarke became severely bored with the game, and Maya informed them it was time for Aden's treatment. He mumbled a sorry, and that he would see them at dinner. "See you later, bud," Lexa said, waving slightly as Clarke did the same. 

"Can Raven sleep in your room tonight?" Clarke popped the question as soon as the young boy was out of sight, making Lexa cock and eyebrow. "She said she wanted to be alone. Her and Octavia are close, like _really_ close. It's hard for her. You can sleep in her bed, if you want."

"Of course," Lexa replied. She could see how it would be hard for the girl, they were practically glued at the hip. It was sweet, and Lexa would to anything to help her get through this without her losing her mind. 

"Thank you! Thank you so much!" Clarke cheered, throwing her arms around her. Lexa froze, not knowing what to do. She couldn't remember the last time she hugged someone who wasn't a family member, in all honesty. 

 

That night at dinner, it was painfully silent until Raven showed up. Lexa took small bites of food, even though it still tasted like utter shit from the pills she took prior. Then, she showed up, knuckled wrapped so tightly around the wheels of her wheelchair that Lexa thought they might start bleeding, or something. 

"Nobody will tell me anything! Fucking nothing," she shouted, earning the glances of a few surrounding tabled. Raven looked as if she was on the verge of tears, her head in her hands as her elbows rested on the table. "Bullshit."

"You can sleep in our room tonight, if you'd like," Lexa said, making the girl glance up at her through her lashed. The girl muttered a thank you, not bothering to even touch her tray as she slid her food over to the boys, who split it together. 

"She's going to be okay," Clarke comforted. 

"You don't know that!" Raven snapped. "She could be dying in that fucking hospital room and they wouldn't be telling us!"

Lexa grimaced, but she knew she was right. They would never tell any of them anything until she was dead, or until she was released to be back into the hospital. The thought was scary, knowing Octavia was somewhere in the building, alone. Lexa hoped she had family that would be coming, but Raven knew she wouldn't, unless Bellamy showed up. But she hoped he didn't because when Bellamy showed up, Octavia returned in a bad mood. 

Just as everything was going up, it came down just as soon. Always.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i accidentally deleted this when i originally uploaded it this morning sorry about that!! anyways i lost 4 chapters i had prewritten and i wont have wifi for the next couple days, so expect uploads to be a little more spaced out than i would like. thank you for the feedback, leave kudos or comments, they're appreciated :)


	6. alone together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fluff.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lexa's story playlist: https://8tracks.com/clexuhh/lexa
> 
> clarke's story playlist: https://8tracks.com/clexuhh/clarke
> 
> (not edited, don't make fun of me)

"Thank you for letting me sleep here," Raven said, offering a weak smile. Lexa grinned back, grabbing her pillow and phone charger. 

"If you need anything, just text," she told her, wheeling herself out of the room and down the hall. She almost regretted the decision, she had just began to break in her new bed. The door was open when she came up to Clarke and Raven's room, and she pushed herself in, flinging the door closed behind her. 

Clarke sat on her bed, sketchbook in her hand. She looked up when she heard the heavy door click closed, to be met by a grin and a girl drowning in pillows. "Got enough pillows there," she joked, hopping up to help her set them down on Raven's bed. 

"They're comfy!"Lexa defended, placing her phone charger on Raven's bedside table. There were little models of cars, and a few scattered pens and pencils. The duvet she had was blue and black checkered, which she pulled down before plopping onto the bed, after folding the wheelchair up and slouching it against the wall. 

As her feed slid under the blanket, a piece of paper brushed her thigh. She reached out and grabbed it, the words ' _clarke has nightmares, wake her up if you hear her'_ scrawled out in messy ink. Lexa pushed it under the blanket just as Clarke looked over.

"Do you snore?" Clarke asked. Lexa shook her head, "good."

"Do you?" Lexa teased, making the girl laugh and shake her head. Soon, the room fell quiet, with them both sitting on their separate beds, on their phones. She could hear the faint in and outs of the blonde's breaths, fingers tapping against glass, and a quiet laugh every once in a while. 

The presence of Clarke was much different to that of Octavia. She felt nervous to breathe too hard, or to laugh too loudly, while with Octavia she did not. Part of that was because of the girl's constant watching of Reign, so she wouldn't be heard. Another part was that the two stayed every night together. It was much different than Clarke, the two barely even spoke. 

"Night," Lexa muttered, laying her head down on her pillow after slipping her earbuds in. She soon fell asleep, breathing pattern becoming slower and her toes uncurled under her blanket. 

Clarke was left to gaze at her sleeping figure, which was borderline creepy, but she didn't seem to care. She herself layed down, head resting on her own pillow as she looked at brunette hair sprawled out across the bed opposite her, legs crunched against her stomach. Bruises marked Lexa's arms, little ones, nothing major. Clarke fell asleep wondering how she got them. 

Hours rolled past, and Lexa woke up to the squeaking metal of Clarke's bed. The blonde cursed herself for getting up once her eyelashes fluttered open. Green eyes took in her stained cheeks and glossy eyes, standing up and stumbling over to her. 

"What happened?" she asked, taking Clarke into a hug. Surprised, her arms snaked around Lexa after moments realization. She wasn't used to comfort, not like this. 

"Nothing," Clarke mumbled, pulling away from the embrace. Wiping under her eyes with her sleeves, she layed back down on her bed, leaving Lexa standing next to it as she curled up under her blanket. 

The nightmares came a lot, sometimes they were worse, sometimes they didnt come at all. Tonight was a bad one, and she wished that she would catch on fire and disappear. _Don't cry, she's right there,_  Clarke coached herself, eyes squeezed tight as she faced the wall. Then, the bed dipped down next to her, and she felt a hand on her back, another running through her hand. 

Stuck frozen, she didn't want to turn around. A soft hum came from the girl behind her, making her want to cry even more. She shouldn't have woken her, this wasn't her problem. It was something that Clarke had to deal with by herself. Nobody could fix it. 

Her whole body shook suddenly, sobs busting out of the blonde's chest like earthquakes. Lexa's hands went from her hair and back to her waist, her small and fragile body spooning Clarke's bigger form. She didn't know what to do in the arms of another person, frozen still against Lexa's chest. 

"You don't have to tell me about it," Lexa said. Her voice was soft, almost too soft for someone to be talking to a girl like her. "Just talk to me about anything you want. I'm here to listen."

Moments of silence passed, Clarke not trusting her voice to be stable. But at this point, was any part of her stable?

She cried herself to sleep that night, falling asleep for the second time to the sound of Lexa's hum and her breathing pattern. However, she woke up to Maya wrapping a blood pressure pad around her arm, almost jerking herself up at the feeling. 

"Sorry, didn't mean to wake you," she apologize. Clarke nodded, feeling the familiar squeeze as Maya pressed the end of the stethoscope to her chest. "Deep breath."

When she looked over, she found Lexa curled to herself in the other half of the room. Her eyes widened, looking up to Maya, wondering if she was laying in her bed when the nurse arrived. "I'm not going to tell your mother," Maya said softly, trying to be careful and not trying to wake the other girl. "Just be careful."

"Nothing's going on," Clarke defended, glancing over to her once again. Maya gave her a quick _mhm_ , taking the pad off her arm and putting it on the cart. "She's been here for a week!"

The tan girl flashed her a thumbs up and a smirk as she left the room, leaving Clarke with her head in her hands. Breakfast wasn't for a while, but she didn't feel tired anymore. She could watch TV, but that would risk waking Lexa up. She decided for the safer option, slipping in her headphones and grabbing her sketchbook, drawing out the outline of the girl laying across from her. 

Hair spilled across her pillow, one leg extended and the other brought to her side. She faced away from Clarke, towards the wall, but one of her hands lay on the bed behind her. 

Drawing was always a getaway for Clarke. She couldn't think when she was doing it, meaning she couldn't worry or get sad over little things. Just her and her pencils. 

So for the next hour, she sketched the girl in black and white, every single detail until she was finished. From the chips of polish on her finger nails to the bruises on her arms, they were all there. It was at this point Clarke realized she would have to wake her up, seeing as breakfast was soon. She made it her liberty to pull out Lexa's wheelchair, unfolding it and setting it by the bed before shaking her shoulder. 

"Breakfast time," Clarke whispered, waiting for her to roll over and open her eyes, squinting at the light from the window. 

"Menu?"

"Fruit day," Clarke replied, grabbing her hand and helping her up and into the wheelchair. She pushed her to the door, and then out into the hallway. 

"You don't have to push me," Lexa said, rolling her eyes. "I'm fine."

"I want to."

The mantra of getting food repeated itself, Lexa almost rolling down the ramp too fast before Clarke stopped her. When they got to the table, Octavia wasn't there, and neither was Jasper. Raven was sat, head in her hands, not touching her food. 

"Where's Jas?" The blonde asked, sitting down in her spot beside Aden and Wells. 

"Blood test," Monty murmured, jabbing his fork into a piece of cantaloupe. Clarke nodded, knowing they were thinking about letting the boy go home soon. She would miss him, sure, but she was happy for him. He deserved more than this hospital. 

"Raven," a man said from behind Lexa. She turned around, gazing up at the dark skinned man, his tall frame towering over her short wheelchair height. "Come with me. You too, Wells. Doctor Jackson needs to talk to you."

Raven wheeled herself behind him, where as Wells walked. Lexa didn't know how he did it, because she was so weak yet they had the same condition. Maybe he was getting better, maybe the chemotherapy was working on him. She hoped he slipped into remission, Leukemia wasn't fun. 

"Who was that?" she asked once the man walked away. Clarke's eyes were dead focused on her fruit. Aden sat silent, a small frown on his face. 

"Octavia's doctor. Wells' dad. Something's wrong." 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the wait!! maybe this fluff mess makes up for it? then again... i must admit, i come with bad news. kinda? my wonderful mother has surprised me by telling me im going to the lovely state of north carolina to stay with my aunt for the whole of august. unfortunately, that means this story might be on hold for next month before i come back in september. i will try to prewrite a bunch of chapters to publish while im there, but nothings certain. so, if theres not a lot of updates in august, thats why. i will finish this story though!! god i have so many ideas for this. thanks for the feedback! as always, kudos and comments are encouraged and appreciated :)


	7. the take over, the breaks over

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A new introduction.

Lexa was starting to get worried. Like, actually worried. Both Raven and Wells never made an appearance after breakfast, and they had no news of Octavia. Clarke and her hadn't acknowledged the middle of the night cuddle. Lexa would be surprised if Clarke even _remembered_ it, regarding her state at that time.

Little did she know, Clarke remembered, and she remembered very clearly. It was taking over her every thought, to be frank, and the blonde was happy when Maya announced that today was buddy day, allowing her to go down a level to the little kids and hang out with them, thus taking her mind off of the enigma sleeping in the bed next to her until Octavia came back.

"Lucy! Lucy!" a little girl shouted, her brassy hair bouncing as she bounded over to the girl, her brace slowing her down a bit, but nevertheless enveloping her in a hug.

"Hello!" Clarke beamed, picking the small girl up and walking over to one of the couches. "How's my Ethel doing?"

The nicknames had come a long time ago, when she had first met Ruby. It seemed like a decade, but it had only been a year and a half since the child came into her life. Ruby's mother was a big Lucille Ball fan, and on visitation days the two would watch _I Love Lucy_ together on her daughter's bed. Clarke grew fond of the memory, the little redhead reminding her that not everything was bad, and that there was always some light in all of the darkness.

_"Ruby, would you like first pick?" the gentle nurse asked. The girl nodded eagerly, much more excited than the other kids were at this new program. Most of them sat tired in the couches and chairs, waiting for this to be over so they could take naps and play games with each other._

_"Hmmm," Ruby hummed, walking down the line of teenagers. They too looked unhappy to be here, but hided it well enough so the kids couldn't tell. "You!"_

_Ruby's small hand clasped onto Clarke's, dragging the blonde from the line to the couch. The nurse called another child up to pick, and the younger girl turned to face the older one. "We're gonna be_ best friends _! Like Lucy and Ethel! Will you be the Lucy to my Ethel?"_

_Clarke cracked a smile at the excited tone in her voice, "Of course! I'm Clarke, what's your name?" She asked, poking her in the tummy._

_"Ruby," she giggled, her hands blocking Clarke from poking her stomach again._

Clarke later found out that the disease Ruby suffered from was a mean case of Osteosarcoma in her knee, just like Raven. She was so young to be overtaken by something so big. But, Clarke came to know that even though Ruby was small on the outside, she was still larger than life. She had once told Clarke of her dreams to become a dancer, then another dream to become a professional softball player. It pained Clarke to know that some of these dreams would most likely never come true, whether it be from lack of Ruby caring, or from her leg.

"I've been sick for the past few days. Can you hear it?" Ruby asked, and sure enough, Clarke could hear the stuffiness of her nose and the rippled undertones from her throat.

"You'll be better in no time," the blonde reassured.  "Wanna play CandyLand?"

So, for the next hour, they sat on the cold floor playing the childrens game on a coffee table. Ruby won 2 games and Clarke won 3, their conversations between ranging from Ruby's treatment to Clarke's time on the above floor. Ruby wished she was ten years old instead of seven, because then she would be on the third floor with Clarke. Most of the kids down here didn't like her that much, because of her energy, but Clarke couldn't understand how someone _couldn't_ like her. 

Upstairs, Lexa and Aden sat in the rec room, a game of glass chess sat in front of them. Anya was here to visit, sitting to the side and watching the two play. Lexa moved her rook up a few spaces, and looked over to Anya. 

"So, you really like it here? We don't have to transfer you again?" the older girl asked. Lexa hadn't had much luck with hospitals in the past, between rude doctors to mean patients and closet like rooms. This time, Lexa smiled at her sister. 

"I love it, Anya. I really do," she said, pressing her hand onto her cheek and her elbow to the table. "I like my friends. I like the doctors. I like the schedule. I don't wanna leave until I'm better."

"That's good, sis. I'm really happy for you. What do you do around here?"

"Watch TV. Play board games. Sleep. School starts in about a month, they have a couple tutors come in on weekdays. The foods really good. I'm really happy, for a change." Aden finally moved a pawn two spaces forward. 

"What about you, Aden?" Anya asked softly. The young boy looked up at her, not expecting her to ask him any questions. "Why are you in here?"

"My heart," he said. "I've been here for about 4 years now, since I was 8. I've been on the transplant list for a while. I have an assist device. It's okay here, though. I never used to have many friends until Lexa," he smiled. The bond between the two was growing better and bigger, into a sibling like relationship. 

Just then, the doors slammed open. Jasper ran in, grabbing the handles of Lexa's wheelchair and rolling her backwards. "I'm sorry that I have to cut this meeting short, but it's important. You can come back tomorrow. Aden, hop on."

Aden listened, small body resting on Lexa's knee with her permission. Anya didn't have time to ask what was going on because Jasper was running down the hall while pushing Lexa's wheelchair. 

"Jasper, what's going on?" she breathed, gripping onto Aden's waist in fear of him falling off. 

"Somethings wrong with Octavia. We're breaking in."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short, but i have the next chapter already written, and it's really long. can't wait to post it. im thinking saturday?


	8. you're crashing, but you're no wave

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No comment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i think i need a trigger warning for this chapter but i dont want to give it away so... if you dont like graphic things maybe read with caution? not too graphic, but i just wanted to put that out there because this may be a sensitive topic to some people. longish, at least for me. 2002 words of angsty shit.

Octavia was _sure_  she was going to develop bed sores. She missed her friends dearly, the doctors wouldn't let her see them and they wouldn't give her her phone back. She spent the day after her surgery bed ridden and watching the small tv that sat in the corner. 

Doctor Griffin said they had called Bellamy right before the surgery. He never came. Octavia gave up on trying to get her brother to stay in one place for too long, he was always going to be a wanderer. Never feeling safe. 

She saw Raven for ten minutes the day earlier, but that was only because she had refused the nurse to take her vitals until she did. She wanted out of this stupid room. The white hurt her eyes, the constant beeping of the monitor made her want to rip her own hair out. 

Meanwhile, her friends were trying to figure out a way to break in. "I know what room she's in," Raven said. "They wouldn't tell me what happened. I barely got any time with her. Her _dumb fuck brother_  didn't even show up!"

"Raven, calm down," Clarke rested a hand on the girl's shoulder. 

"I'm not calming down until I know she's o-"

The sound of the metal door opening made Raven shut up. Their eyes all shot up to the nurse in the doorway, followed closely behind by the exact girl they were talking about. Raven's eyes lit up upon the sight of her, and Lexa began to think that maybe they were more than just friends. 

Octavia walked as fast as she could over to Raven, leaning down to hug her best friend. "I missed you," she breathed. "I'll tell you everything once we get back."

The girls walked back to Clarke and Raven's room, Jasper, Monty and Aden going back to the former's room to play Xbox, figuring the girls needed their time to talk. 

Lexa wheeled herself in in front of Clarke, letting the blonde close the door behind the three others. She stayed in her wheelchair, resting her sock-clad feet on Raven's bed. She wasn't walking, so what was the point of socks?

"Spill," Raven said. Octavia took a deep breath, fingers brushing her metal oxygen tank. She didn't want them to worry, to think she wasn't getting better. 

"My lung was in the middle of collapsing in on itself. There was fluid. I'm higher up on the transplant list now," she hung her head down, staring at her thighs. The thought of it made her want to throw up. She had no family to be here, other than Bellamy, and her father, who both never came. Her father was basically a copy of Raven's, spilling buckets of money into hospital bills to make up for lost time. Nothing could make it up, though. Not after him leaving her to go to the system, not after him not being there in person when she was transferred into this hospital. 

"You're gonna be okay, right?" Raven whispered, her voice cracking. The girl was the closest thing she had gotten to family since she lost her mom, not to mention the closest friend she ever made. Clarke and Lexa tried to make it seem like they couldn't see the girls intertwined hands pressed to Raven's thigh. Like they couldn't see the deeper meaning of their friendship. 

"Yes," Octavia nodded, smiling. "As soon as I get a new lung, I'll be as good as new."

Soon, the girls decided on watching a random movie on Netflix. Raven and Octavia laying on Raven's bed, Clarke on her own and Lexa on the floor. 

"You can lay up here," Clarke offered. Lexa shook her head, a small ounce of panic waved over her. _M'fine_ , she mumbled, ignoring how the tiles fell underneath her. She couldn't be that close to Clarke, she couldn't get close. She wanted to shrink her damage as much as possible before she kicked the bucket, and getting close to the blonde would just leave another casualty in her wake. 

 _What's wrong_ , Clarke typed, sending the text to Lexa who's phone vibrated against her thigh. She picked it up and read the message, her fingers darting across the screen. 

 _Nothing_ , her phone screen read. Lexa smiled up to Clarke, one that was so small she could barely see the upturn of the brunette's lips. She left it alone, thankfully, because Lexa didn't want to talk about the fact she was scared to get close to people in case she lost her fight to Leukemia. 

Meanwhile, Raven and Octavia tried to hide the fact they were in face cuddling. Octavia didn't know why they continued to hide it, because she knew neither of their friends would mind. It felt more secretive, more risky, and it gave her an adrenaline boost every time Raven grabbed her hand. The movie was boring to be frank, which resulted in Lexa falling asleep on the floor with one of Clarke's pillows. 

 _"CODE SILVER. I REPEAT CODE SILVER. NURSES FOLLOW STANDARD PROTOCOL."_  was heard over the intercom. Lexa's sleeping body jerked up at the loud noise. Maya rushed into the room, locking the door behind her and pressing a button above the door, the double lock, which the patients weren't allowed to use. 

"Maya, what's going on?" Octavia whimpered, standing up the best she could. 

"Fold up the wheelchairs and put them in the bathroom," Maya ordered, Clarke jumping in action to fold up Lexa's as the nurse folded Raven's. "Now we're going to go in there and lock the door, we have to be very quiet."

The five of them went into the bathroom, Maya locking it behind them. Octavia helped Raven settle down on the floor by the shower, making sure to be careful with her oxygen tank. Clarke and Lexa sat cross legged by them, pressed against the sink as Maya had her back to the opposite wall. _"Phone,"_  she mouthed, and Clarke pressed her thumb to her home button before handing it to her. 

She typed out a message, bony hands shaking slightly. She passed it back to Clarke after, the girls reading the message the older one had typed. 

_code silver = hostage situaton with  a weapn be quiet it will be ok we will get out_

Octavia's hand flew up to cover her mouth, breaths coming out shaky. Loud footsteps came from below them, the hospital quiet as can be. Clarke closed her eyes, knowing Ruby was down there, closer to whoever was going to try and hurt them. 

The sound of a gunshot directly under them sent all five of them into panic, their bodies jumping at the echo. Clarke held her eyes shut tightly trying to fight back tears as another went off. There were kids down there. Ages 4 to 9, almost 150 of them. She held her breath. Another. 

They sat for what seemed to be hours, but in reality it was only twenty minutes. Four more gunshots sounded in that time. Clarke's face turned paler with every one. Lexa's breaths were shallow and heavy, she was scared. Another. 

This time, it was on their level. 

Raven could feel Octavia shift next to her, pulling herself into Raven's embraced. Maya glanced over, lips pursed. Her eyes screamed with fear but her body language couldn't show it. She had to be strong or else the other girls would think they didn't have a chance. 

The sound of boots stomping could be heard among the quietest of halls, Clarke shrank back at the thought of them knocking down the door. A gunshot, the thud of a body. Lexa's hand gripped onto Clarke's arm, the other finding the girls fingers and lacing them together. Clarke allowed her to, squeezing the smaller girl close to her. 

She heard the sound of the door at the end of their hallway opening, her eyebrows knitting together as muffled voices along with another set of softer footsteps were heard. _Why aren't they shooting him? Was this planned?_  Lexa thought to herself, bringing out her phone and turning it on silent. She typed with one hand, slowly. 

 _I love you._  She sent the text to both Anya and Indra, closing her eyes as the footsteps got closer. Sirens could be heard outside, she wondered what took the police so long. 

Footsteps got heavier as they ran. A bullet pierced through the wall, a foot to Maya's right. Lexa's grip got tighter. Clarke figured they were being irrational now, trying to get up their body count before they got caught. _"Where the fuck is his dorm?_ " A scruffy voice asked.

 _There was another person?_  Lexa's eyes widened. **"Put the weapons down."**  a stern voice said, from the end of the hall. They ran faster, and she could hear the presumed police running after them down the hall. A body hit the floor not too far past them, **"Who's dorm are you talking about?"**

 _"You'll never find out. He's going to kill every last person in this hospital,"_  the same voice said. Lexa's eyes screwed shut as they dragged the shooters away, yet the hospital was not yet clear. Another gun. Another thing to worry about. 

**"Start to open doors, escort them out. Be careful, someone in here has a gun"**

Lexa's feet were falling asleep slowly, but surely. She waited for the police to come and get them, but it took a while. She could hear the doors downstairs being opened, the kids downstairs being rushed out of the danger. Soon, they got upstairs, starting with the rooms at the end of their hospital. 

The lock on the door clicked, Maya's breaths sped up. The same happened to the bathroom, and all five girls winced back as they found four SWAT team members pointing assault rifles at them. "Put your hands on your head, we're going to do a quick sweep to make sure none of you are armed."

They did as told, Raven struggling to stand without a second leg. Her athletic shorts showed her stump, and she had to lean against Octavia in order for her to not fall over. They were quickly scanned with a hand metal detector, one of the heavily armed men muttering an **all clear**. 

"C'mon," the woman softly said, ushering the girl's out of the dorm room which had went from safe haven to the most terrifying place Lexa could have been. "The elevators are down, can you walk down stairs?"

Raven bit her lip, but nodded as did the rest. She leant on Maya as she hopped down the hall, and one stair at a time. Clarke supported Lexa, who's weak legs were not a big fan of steps. The SWAT members were patient, following in front of and behind the girls on the big stairway. 

By the time they got to the first level, Lexa's legs were ready to give out. "Get on," Clarke ordered, crouching down for the girl to ride piggyback out of the hospital. Lexa hesitantly climbed on, arms wrapped onto her shoulders as Clarke's hands went to hold her thighs. 

They were a sight to see, they were. Lexa on Clarke's back. Raven hopping along with one leg with Maya. Octavia with her oxygen tank. News reporters broadcasted it onto their channels, the mass shooting being the talk of all of the stations. Somehow, they were okay. 

Just as they were walking out, a gunshot sounded from their floor. The muzzle flash could be seen through the window, and Lexa's heart sped up. That came from a dorm, one of their dorms. Someone their age just most likely died, though they got out safe. 

Clarke searched through the crowd for her friends. She saw Jasper, Monty, and little Ruby all perfectly fine. There was something missing though, and she jogged over to the two former boys with Lexa still on her back. 

"Where's Aden," she breathed. "He was with you, where is he?"

"He went back to his dorm about fifteen minutes before it happened," Jasper said. "I don't know."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haha sorry...


	9. holding on to you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The group suffers a loss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> surprise bitch

Black pants, black shirt, tears in eyes was Lexa's look for this day. Clarke pushed her wheelchair with a hand supportively resting on her shoulder. Octavia and Raven were back at the hospital, leaving the two girls here alone. Lexa was going to come alone, it was a pride thing, but Clarke demanded. "Do you want to go see him?" Clarke asked softly. Lexa nodded, her head barely moving. 

Twelve year old Aden Byrne lay with his arms crossed over his chest, eyes closed and face peaceful. His body was dressed in jeans and his favorite t-shirt, the bracelet with the baseball charm that he always wore clasped loosely around his wrist. His skin was blue, blonde hair with no life like it usually did. It pained Lexa to see him like this. 

They thought he was going to make it, the doctors did. Two weeks ago they told Lexa straight to her face that he would be fine. He wasn't fine, obviously. His heart couldn't take the injury, it could barely take him being perfectly well. The shot to his shoulder was an official death certificate.

Lexa remembered it all so clearly it gave her chills just thinking about the events. 

_She sat on the lawn, head in her hands as she gazed at the tall, menacing building. Clarke sat next to her with a hand on her knee, telling Lexa he would be fine._

_Just then, a boy came out of the hospital with his hands behind his back. Face splattered with blood, he wore an accomplished smirk. Cage Wallace, was his name. She recognized him as one of the older patients, almost 18 and ready to be out._

_"Are you Lexa?" a doctor asked. Lexa's brows furrowed, nodding as she painfully stood up. "I'm sorry to inform you, but your friend Aden has been shot. He told us to tell you. He's in surgery."_

Although she had known Aden for just a month, they had grown a bond. It killed her to see him in pain, they were like brother and sister. Wheelchair rides to the rec room for their weekly game of chess, sharing food since Lexa didn't like yogurt and Aden didn't like raspberries. 

_Aden's eyes fluttered open. Lexa's hand was enclosed in his own, he could feel his life slipping away from him. "Lex," he whispered. Green eyes shot up to him, a smile flashing onto her face._

_"Hey bud," she grinned. Her frail hands brought the water cup to his lips and he sipped slowly. "How are you?"_

_"Thank you, Lexa. For being a friend. I have never had as good of a friend as you. Don't forget me later on, okay?" He said. Tears welled up in his eyes as he said his next words. "I love you."_

_"Aden, what's going on? Don't forget about you?" Lexa cried. The machine next to his bed beeped angrily. Doctors flooded in, pushing her out of the room. "What's going on? Aden!"_

_Aden died that afternoon. The doctors_ did everything they could _, they told Lexa. That wasn't good enough. He was dead, and she was alive._

_He was so young. So much to offer._

Soon, the service started, and since Aden was in the foster care system, there weren't many people there. Lexa, Clarke, Maya, and some people from previous homes he had been in. His old baseball team and his old coach. 

"Lexa," Clarke whispered. "It's your turn to speak."

Lexa wheeled herself up the ramp, arms burning as well as her eyes. She smiled through her tears as she sat in front of the crowd. "Aden was a good kid, he was like a brother to me. When I was first admitted to the hospital, I hadn't thought I would make good friends. But, Aden was like the little brother I never had, you know? He was really good at chess too. He had so much more to offer to the world. Always told me about how he was going to be a doctor since he couldn't play in the MLB with his heart.

"Sometimes, it's the best people that leave us early. I will never forget him, he will be someone I tell my kids about. People ask who influence you, and most people say writers, or inventors, or their moms. Aden influenced me in the best way possible, and he will continue to. Thank you all," her voice was shaky as she wheeled herself down the ramp and over to Clarke. She grabbed the blonde's hand and tugged, indicating for her to follow her outside. 

"I want to go back," Lexa said. Clarke nodded. 

"You did good, Lex."

 

For the next week, Lexa packed herself in her room. She didn't sit with her friends at lunch. She didn't join Octavia, Clarke and Raven for their movie nights. All she did was sit in her bed, watching movies on her laptop, numb to everything around her. She cried too much, and ate too little. Her friends were worried. 

"Lexa, you need to eat more," Maya said. "I know this is tough for you, but your health matters too."

The brunette didn't answer, but her lip quivered slightly. "It's not fair, Maya. Can you get Clarke for me?"

"Sure, hon."

Minutes later, the blonde came inside her room to see Lexa's head cradled into her knees. "Hey, hey," Clarke sat down on her friend's bed, taking the girl in her arms. "I know."

Her body shook with sobs as she let out all of the emotion she had been bearing for the past week onto her friend's shoulder, soaking the grey sweatshirt but not really caring. Lexa wasn't sure how to do this kind of thing. Emotions weren't her cup of tea, not that she ever opened herself up enough to show any. It felt as if she were walking on eggshells around her own heart. 

Clarke could understand this, but she wished the girl would let down her walls a little more than she usually did. It was hard comforting a girl as hard as stone, but not impossible. As much as the blonde hated to admit, her feelings towards Lexa were growing far stronger than she ever imagined and she hated the face they would never be mutual. 

"I got eyeliner all over your hoodie," Lexa laughed, pointing to the grey material smudged with black. Clarke shrugged. "Does it ever bother you?"

"Hm?" Clarke hummed, raising an eyebrow, urging her to elaborate. 

"We can't save each other. All we can do is watch each other die to diseases whose jobs are to take over our bodies and there's nothing we can do to stop it."

"Yeah, it bothers me sometimes. All my mother wants is for me to be a doctor, but how can I heal other people if I'm sick myself?"

"You never have told me why you're here," Lexa pointed out. Clarke bit her lip, looking down to her thighs and locking her eyes there. 

"Brain tumor," the blonde mumbled. She would have ran a hand through her hair if it weren't for it being swept up in a very messy bun. "Found it after I started having headaches. It's whatever, though."

Clarke said she wanted Lexa to let down her walls, but what she didn't realize is that she had the same, double the security. Her illness wasn't something she liked to talk about, it made her look weak. Clarke wasn't weak. 

Lexa found comfort in the girl's arms, her brown hair tickling Clarke's cheek when she moved. She wasn't sure how she was supposed to feel about this. Aden's death left her numb to her surroundings.

She missed him dearly, though it had only been a week he'd been gone. It was hard to wrap her mind around the fact that he was actually gone, that she would never see him smile again or hear his laugh. Lexa's brain registered losses as if they were vacations. Aden was just away, for a long time. To her he was still out there somewhere on Earth, even if he wasn't. It was her own coping mechanism, as weird as it was. 

To be frank, Cage Wallace could suck her dick, and that was all she had to say to him. He took him away from her, the forming bond of two friends broken part by a handgun. They say the police got there after Aden was shot, but Lexa still slightly blamed them. They should have ran faster. It wasn't fair. 

Aden didn't have a family, so most people would think his casualties would be minimal as he died, but that was the furthest thing from the truth. It left such a big impact on the group that Lexa wasn't sure it would ever be the same, but she had to try, not lock herself in her room because she couldn't cope with the fact he was gone. 

But, when people ask her why she doesn't get close, this is her internal answer. When she inevitably dies, when Leukemia finally takes over her body she doesn't want people to be in her state. She wouldn't want people sulking in their rooms because of her, she wasn't worth it. 

But, to Clarke, Lexa was worth every ounce of her body. As they lay on Lexa's bed in silence, Clarke didn't want to move. She wanted to stay until her body decomposed and until the whole building crumbled with age. But, she was forced to move when a knock at the door signaled it was time for dinner. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aa this killed me to write. hope it killed you to read? no thats not right sorry.


	10. unravel me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Fuck you, Clarke Griffin."

Lexa had not yet learned how to deal with the pain and grief that came with losing a friend. She figured she should get used to it, since this is a children's hospital after all, and a lot of the people in here were terminal. She wanted everything to go back to normal, but she didn't know how to do that without Aden.

Her grilled cheese felt like cotton in her mouth. Cup of water tasted like air. It was as though her senses weren't working anymore. Lexa couldn't tell if it was from the chemo or Aden.

Her friends sat in the table across the room. She couldn't bring herself to be there, with them. Her sadness would bring them down. Raven laughed at something Jasper said, Monty popped a grape into his mouth. Clarke's eyes drifted to Lexa's usual spot.

The brunette left lunch early. Her room became her sanctuary, a place to isolate herself from the surrounding people. Her nimble fingers lifted up her duvet and her body slid under. The wheelchair sat abandoned by her bed.

Just as this happened, Clarke looked over to the place she thought Lexa would be, cursing to herself when the table was empty except for an almost full tray. She couldn't keep doing this. Why wouldn't she want support?

Clarke's feelings for the girl were stronger as ever. Did she like her more than a friend? Sure. Was she going to act on it? Absolutely not. Lexa was too good for her. Plus, it would ruin their friendship.

However, Lexa was in a very similar boat. Her thoughts of the inevitability of her dying swarmed her thoughts as often as the blonde did. Clarke was one of her greatest muses in her art, but she would never tell anyone that. Clarke was too good for her.

Clarke missed Lexa. Her absence was having a great impact on her happiness, which wasn't easy to admit. She knew why she was doing all of this, she knew Lexa was so scared of people missing her that she barely allowed herself to be liked, yet alone loved.

"Lexa," Maya's soft voice leaked into the once silent room, making the teenager sit up in her bed. "Your mom's here."

Indra walked in, spotting her daughter under miles of blankets with tear tracks staining her face. She couldn't stand to see Lexa like this. "Baby, are you okay," long fingernails stroked through Lexa's stringy hair, and Indra moved so that her head was in her lap.

"No," Lexa choked out, trying not to burst out into sobs again. "Everything is falling apart. Why can't I be happy for once, mama?"

"Well, my sweet girl, there is one big reason for that," Indra admitted. "That is, you will not allow yourself to. I know you think that you're doing good by not having friends because if you did you might make some extra people sad. But know what, baby? All those people, all the friends you made in this hospital, they're going to be sad whether or not you decide you want to talk to them.

"You are one of the best people I know, sunshine. They're so lucky to have you. Now, you need to start getting around to more people. Because I can feel it, this time the chemo is going to work. Now please tell me, who is this Clarke? Maya told me you two are pretty close."

Lexa blushed at her mothers words. "Clarke's a girl about four rooms down. She has a brain tumor. Uhm, she's one of my close friends, I guess."

"Sounds like more than that, sunshine. Take a shot in the dark with her, she seems nice. Remember what I told you earlier. I have to go pick up Anya from practice now, but I love you and we'll see you tomorrow, yeah?"

"I love you more. Bye, mama," the two hugged, and Indra walked out with a wave.

Then, she set off to Clarke's room.

Fragile knuckles wrapped against the metal door which was opened seconds later by a tanned brunette in pajamas. "I need to talk to Clarke alone," Lexa announced. Octavia's eyebrows shot up at the husky sound of Lexa's voice.

Motioning for Raven, the two girls scampered down the long corridor as Lexa made her way into the room.

Clarke didn't know what to expect, or what to think. Lexa hadn't talked to her since the night she cried into her sweatshirt in her bed, the night were Lexa was in her most raw state. At least, that was what Clarke thought. 

"Listen, Clarke," Lexa started off. "I know I've been a real dick. I'm really sorry. I just, I don't know how to have friends. I don't know how to treat people and god I'm so stupid. But uh, I'd like to try this out with you."

"Try what out?" Clarke questioned. Lexa looked down to her lap. 

"This. Us."

"Us? Us?" Clarke said in disbelief. She almost laughed. "What us? Since you've ignored me since you cried in my shoulder almost a week ago."

"God damn it Clarke!" Lexa said, slamming her hands on the handles of her wheelchair. "I like you! Was that what you wanted to hear? I have been so hopelessly intrigued by you since we met and I cover it up by pretending that I don't give a fuck about you or anyone else. You know why? You wanna know why?"

"Why," Clarke whispered. 

"Because I knew this would happen. It's destined to, right? In the movies they show the two people always end up with each other but it's all utter bullshit." Lexa said. Tears leaked from her waterline and down her cheeks, little eyeliner streaks like paint strokes down her skin. 

"What are you talking about?" Clarke whispered. She didn't want to speak too loud, feeling as if she would break the already broken girl in front of her. Clarke wanted to kiss the tears away, wanted to envelope Lexa into her arms and cure her of the disease she was losing to and make her feel like she was worth all the time and effort she put into living. Make her feel like she mattered. 

"What am I taking about?" a laugh with no humor escaped her chapped lips. She sniffed, bony hands whipping tears from her eyes. "A heart like yours can never love a heart like mine. Someone like you will never love a sick girl like me no matter how sick you are yourself. Jesus Christ, Clarke, I really thought you liked me. Shows what a dumbass I am."

"Lexa-"

"Fuck you, Clarke Griffin. And all you'll ever do."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i borrowed my aunts laptop to write this its so early aaa im sorry for not updating as u all know my laptop broke and im on vacation so :( here you go this was fun to write


	11. godspeed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short

Octavia didn't understand why Lexa didn't talk to her anymore. She didn't understand why she barely got out of bed and why Maya had to bring Lexa's lunch to her because she could barely get out of bed anymore. 

On Tuesday, November 15th, it all happened. 

It was just after 9:00, Octavia got back to their room and figured Lexa would be watching a movie in bed. She waved goodbye to Raven, and bit her lip, because tonight, in about 30 minutes, she was sneaking out with her, Monty, Clarke, and Jasper to drink beer that Monty paid too much money for. 

As soon as she saw Lexa, she knew there was something wrong. Pale faced, bent over a trash can, hair tied up with beads of sweat rolling down her cheeks. One cough, more blood into the metal bin. 

"Jesus Christ, what happened Lexa?" Octavia shouted, lifting up the curtain and slamming down on the 'emergency help' button. 

"I don't know. I ate all of my dinner cause Maya said I needed to start eating more, and I ate it all cause I want to get better but I was _so_ full, Octavia. And then I started throwing up and God! Why can't this just be fucking _over with!_ " Lexa yelled, slamming her hand to the bed. "I'm so fucking sick of this disease and these hospitals and why can't my body just let it be over!"

Maya ran in first, followed by Thelonious with a stretcher. Lexa's sobs shook her whole body and Octavia helped Jaha and Maya put her on. Grabbing her tank, Octavia followed Maya out the door, grabbing both her and Lexa's phones. "Maya, keep me updated!"

And she ran. God, she ran so fast to Raven's room in was surprising her didn't trip over her own feet. Aden, then Lexa, and before that, herself. Why can't they just catch a fucking break?"

She slammed open the door so violently in bounced off the wall, and then closed it quickly. "Lexa just got taken in. She was throwing up blood and burning up, if I wasn't there I don't think she would have gotten help. God, I have to call her mother."

"What?" Clarke whispered. "Is she going to be okay?"

"I-I dunno, Clarke. You've seen how she's been lately." Octavia said. Her fingers typed in Lexa's password, 2336, and found Indra's contact. Then she pressed call. "Is this Indra?"

_"This is, who is this? You're not Lexa."_

"This is Octavia, her roommate. You have to get down her quick. Lexa just got wheeled out cause she was coughing up blood and I don't know if she's okay. Please get here, Ms. Woods."

_"I'm on my way. Thank you for calling me, Octavia."_

 

Waiting rooms are Octavia's least favorite place to be. Indra, Anya, Octavia, Raven, Clarke, Monty, Jasper, Wells, all in that order, sat in a row of chairs. Some hands laced, tears shed. 

All the while, Lexa sat in the next room, having emergency surgery performed on her limp body. 

"Ms. Woods?" Maya asked, and Indra stood up eagerly. 

"What happened? Is she okay?" Indra asked, eyes wide. 

"It seems as if your daughter's spleen has been ruptured, ma'am. An emergency splenectomy is being performed right now, since she's lost so much blood, and we're doing a transfusion. See, her leukemia has caused it to enlarge, and apparently she didn't even notice the discomfort. You can see her as soon as they're done, and I would like to talk treatment with you if that's okay?" Maya's voice was soft. Tears leaked from Indra's eyes. She had tried so, so hard for Lexa to get better and then something always happens. 

Clarke stood up abruputly, storming to the bathroom. Octavia let go of Raven's hand and ran after her, struggling to pull her tank at such fast speeds. "Clarke! Clarke!"

The blonde sat against the wall by the sinks, shoulders shaking with choppy sobs. "Clarke, what's wrong?"

"She almost died, Octavia!" she cried. "She almost died and our last words would've been out of anger and would've died thinking that I didn't like her when in reality _I'm so_ _in love with her_."

Octavia let Clarke hug her, the blonde curling up at her side. "Hey, hey. She's still here. And you need to tell her that."

Clarke looked up to her, "I will."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been super hard to write lately. My mom has been stalking me like a hawk, so I barely have any chances to write, and since my laptops broken as fuck, I have to use my grandpas. But! She's been letting up so the weekends are great to write on. Thank you if you still support this shit ass story.


	12. sorry

i cannot write for this story. for the past two months ive been trying but i hate writing chapters for it. its my fault because of the way ive written it, but i love the idea so much that im going to rewrite it, under a new name but same account. some things will be the same, but the writing at the beginning is so bad and weird and i just dont like this story. this story will be deleted in like 24 hours, and I'll have the new first chapter out within the next 5 days. thank you for the support, and i hope the rewritten one gets just as much


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